Real Campaign Issues

As your candidate for Michigan governor, I’ve been brutally pummeled with questions about where I stand on the issues.

**Columbus Day has to go. We have far too many holidays celebrating idiots in this nation, and this will be the first to go. Columbus did not discover this nation; he wasn’t even the first “explorer” to land here. Columbus thought he was in India, and instead of exploiting and pillaging the land of Asia, he helped to enslave and exploit the native peoples here. He set the standard for what was to come—I guess that is why today’s government wants to celebrate him. But not under my watch.

**I will not be in the debate tomorrow. They will not let me. Apparently, I don’t have enough money, voter share or “official” paperwork submitted. Bastards and their rules.

**Snacks. People need snacks. I will propose a healthy snack initiative that will ensure all offices have access to snacks during the day. There will be no running out of granola bars when I’m in office.

**Yesterday, in my announcement, I mentioned that we would make the State of Michigan website easier to navigate and function. Taking that one step further today in that if you are a state employee, your name, phone number and email will be published in a directory so that people can reach you directly in the event that they need assistance. Customer service will prevail in the state. AND the Secretary of State’s office will come into this century and start taking debit cards.

I’m going to have to ask a few of you to stop bringing up the Puerto Rick Jankation Plan for the next 30 days or so… that is the kind of political nightmare Granholm and DeVoss will use against me and I don’t have the proper time to explain the Plan in language that will not come back to bite me in the ass on this. Once the election is over, we can talk Puerto Rico—I think my governorship will make the whole thing much, much easier, too, by the way. After all, I think I can sell people here on the plan; they have their own arsenals and Michigan gets pretty fucking cold in the winter… I’m just sayin’ let’s hold on that until November 8.

Ok, now, all that said, or in this case, written, I need to find myself a Wonder Woman costume—not necessarily for this campaign, but if times get desperate, I’m not opposed to that tactic, but mainly because I need one, and Halloween is a great excuse… and, I need a logo of some kind… perhaps some flyers… it’s time to get out the vote.