The threat of face cream and the new airport rules

Yesterday, I had to have my bags searched while at the airport... yes, yes, they are onto me. Seems at 5 something in the morning, I'm not thinking clearly about all the rules... I remembered to not have any water on me, get my laptop out and in its own bin, take my jacket off, take my shoes off, strip down to my underwear--just in case... but it seems I forgot to remove my Ziplock baggie (which I conveniently stored within quick reach, but folks, I hadn't even had coffee yet and it slipped my mind since I had Beavis in front of me. So, after searching my pink backpack for the suspicious items, the woman lectured me about the "rules" and that they have to have that out separately because--and I quote--"We can't tell if the items are in a Ziplock bag or not through x-ray unless you take it out." Whaaaaaa? I'm no security expert, and believe me, neither was this woman donned the official looking rubber gloves, but I've seen how stuff looks through the x-ray machine, and of course, there is my x-ray vision, too... Do they think that I somehow packed all items together like that in the backpack on accident? Could it be I used a brand other than Ziplock? Could it all be a trick and my face cream is really that dangerous in an overhead bin without the steel protection of plastic? Could it be that in a moment of sheer rebellion, I TAPED them all, or GLUED them all together to appear as if I was in compliance with airline regulations? I suppose anything is possible.

Well, ok, I survived and I won't let it happen again tonight, though I'm more sleep deprived than I was yesterday... but I have a few rules of my own for my fellow travelers:

1. Please, don't wear a belt you will have to take off. If you must wear a belt when traveling, there is really no need for one where the buckle doubles as a codpiece... obviously outside of Texas there is never a reason to wear that, but do what you will--just not when you are in front of me on the security conveyor belt.

2. A bottle of water is dangerous, please don't try to "sneak" it in past Checkpoint Charlie. If you are really that thirsty, there is water available on the other side of the post for $4 an ounce.

3. The other end of the conveyor belt is not a dressing room. Just because you had to strip nekkid to make it through does not mean you should stand there, tucking your shirt in and looping your belt through ALL the holes (see #1)... That is what your gate assignment is for... you are there 5 hours early, fix yourself up elsewhere, some of us are barely going to make our flights.

4. Believe it or not, you don't have to be the first one on line for boarding. We have assigned seats and they aren't going to suddenly cut the line off after 3 people and kick the rest of us out. So you see, pushing me out of the way to get in line does not mean that you will make it on the plane and I will not.

5. Panicking when you hear them drilling on the side of the plan just prior to take off will do you no good. Remember, this is NWA and the planes are in constant need of repair... your questioning if the whole plane is intact is ridiculous, clearly isn't not or you wouldn't have gotten that bargain fare... and by the way, that's the luggage compartment you hear them closing just prior to take off, so when landing and you hear them "drilling" again, don't exclaim "Oh my god there's that noise again!"

So there are my rules. Commit them to memory, I don't allow second takes, the first offense renders a pink backpack upside the head.

Happy travels!