Checking the Cattle Prod

So, I was curious--which we all know is never a good thing... and went to tsa.gov to check and make certain that what I had heard was true--and it was, in fact, true that shoes with gel inserts are prohibited unless in your checked luggage. Checked luggage? Feh, not on short trips. But while perusing the list, I did notice that my cattle prods, throwing stars, sabers and "gel type foods" greater than 3 ounces need to be checked. Sadly, tear gas is not allowed at all. What is the world coming to when I can't even check a gallon of gas... I mean what the hell? Here I am, a good American and can't bring a gallon of gas with me at all.

Ok, and now that I've stopped laughing hysterically....

I did make it through security TWICE this week without my liquid lip gloss securely packaged in my quart sized ziplock baggie. Fortunately, it did not impact the flights I was on in any way, but it was a dangerous risk, and one not caught by TSA. Imagine the scandal if that lip gloss had leaked?! Good god, can you imagine the meyhem that would have ensued and the terror caused because my Clinique Kissy Fit was not secured confined by the top notch technology of ZipLock?

But, I and many others, were not Kissy Fitted and arrived safely, if not a bit haggard from Philadelphia this evening; and many more continued onward to San Francisco--where they will, undoubtedly, be Kissy Fitted upon arrival.

Airport Entertainment and Getting Home

Well, I made it back from my travels Friday night--very late. But you know the nice thing that NorthWest does for you when they have delayed your flight is entertain you. Yes, the same folks that brought you the mechanics strike, among others, can't seem to get their plane fixed, so they play musical gates. Gate 2 at Reagan National was originally what we were to depart from... and after moving to Gate 5 via the board, we get to Gate 5 only to have the attendant there yell at us that even though the Board said it was our gate we needed to be at 2... meanwhile, over at Gate 2, the attendant is making an overhead announcement that our flight will be departing from Gate 5... now these gates are not more than 50 feet from each other, so the attendants begin to yell across the terminal at each other. Within 1o minutes, we were back at Gate 2... then 5 before we FINALLY departed over an hour later, from gate 3. I feel bad, we never utilized Gate 4. So the flight is delayed though no fault of anyone holding a boarding pass, we've been shuffled from gate to gate for over an hour and the attendant, who decided at some point it made more sense to shout from the door rather than use the speaker, began to tell us that we needed to HURRY UP and board... and that the plane, while still containing enough seat-age, was not as large as the scheduled plane, so if someone is in your seat, take another open one, if your seat no longer exists, just sit someplace and do it QUICKLY. The tone obviously implying this was all our fault.

But here's the thing... once they annouced the Southwest type seating, about 10-15 people within hearing distance shoved forward... I was nearly crushed!! So once on the plane, it became ever apparent that the attendant out in the terminal had not communicated her strategy for boarding and seating with the attendants on the INSIDE of the plane... who wanted all those with no seats (rows 23-26) to just stand in the back of the plane while everyone else boarded. I being in one of those rows, just sat down, as did 2 others and we filled up our row, much to the attendant's dismay... so she ran to the front of the plane in the midst of the meyhem to tell us all how SHE wanted this situation handled. A few seconds later, the original instruction giver appeared and yelled at those standing in the back to just sit somewhere... all in all, very entertaining.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out who the hell the guy in the terminal standing next to me was and chatting me up like he knew me was... I became convinced that I must have gone out with him once or twice... that was until take off... and it became clear that he was my former Master's advisor with whom I couldn't ever get a response or agreement from... And, I would have gone back up after the seatbelt sign had been turned off except I would have had to crawl over the Phelgm Phactory that was sitting next to me and apparently was unaware of the advent of Kleenex. He was lucky I didn't have nail clippers and a file on me--I'd have had to kill him.

Fortunately, my bags were not searched at Reagan... and I only had a 90 year old woman in front of me--FOLDING everything she put into the bin. Yes, she got it all nicely into the bin, and then went through the whole body gloucoma test and magnets, but failed to actually put her bins on the conveyor... It was still early, I had no idea of the delay ahead of me... I was nice and shoved them through while the guy with X-ray vision glared at me suspiciously.

And I made it home without a homocide under my garter. The cats were not amused. They were out of kibble and had destroyed the bag of treats... gutted it like it was a gazelle on the Sahara. I think they wanted me to think that SK had done the damage while she was over on Thursday checking on them... but had she done the said deed, BOTH sides of the bag would not have been torn apart; thereby clearly giving them away.

But the weather has been good and the kitties, while not quite forgiving my absence have had almost 24-hour access to the balcony--even if it was too hot out there today (obviously my fault). Yesterday, I did a 21 mile training walk with a fellow walker who was in town for the weekend. It was good, we finished in 6.5 hours... and I learned a few adjustments will need to be made--I'm not happy about learning this so late in the game, but at least I didn't realize it on the walk.

Speaking of the walk... my 522 mile challenge to train that many miles by May 1 was met on April 18... as of today, I have trained 571 miles. It feels good, even if today was the first day I was sore... like I said, a few adjustments to the new gear are needed!

The threat of face cream and the new airport rules

Yesterday, I had to have my bags searched while at the airport... yes, yes, they are onto me. Seems at 5 something in the morning, I'm not thinking clearly about all the rules... I remembered to not have any water on me, get my laptop out and in its own bin, take my jacket off, take my shoes off, strip down to my underwear--just in case... but it seems I forgot to remove my Ziplock baggie (which I conveniently stored within quick reach, but folks, I hadn't even had coffee yet and it slipped my mind since I had Beavis in front of me. So, after searching my pink backpack for the suspicious items, the woman lectured me about the "rules" and that they have to have that out separately because--and I quote--"We can't tell if the items are in a Ziplock bag or not through x-ray unless you take it out." Whaaaaaa? I'm no security expert, and believe me, neither was this woman donned the official looking rubber gloves, but I've seen how stuff looks through the x-ray machine, and of course, there is my x-ray vision, too... Do they think that I somehow packed all items together like that in the backpack on accident? Could it be I used a brand other than Ziplock? Could it all be a trick and my face cream is really that dangerous in an overhead bin without the steel protection of plastic? Could it be that in a moment of sheer rebellion, I TAPED them all, or GLUED them all together to appear as if I was in compliance with airline regulations? I suppose anything is possible.

Well, ok, I survived and I won't let it happen again tonight, though I'm more sleep deprived than I was yesterday... but I have a few rules of my own for my fellow travelers:

1. Please, don't wear a belt you will have to take off. If you must wear a belt when traveling, there is really no need for one where the buckle doubles as a codpiece... obviously outside of Texas there is never a reason to wear that, but do what you will--just not when you are in front of me on the security conveyor belt.

2. A bottle of water is dangerous, please don't try to "sneak" it in past Checkpoint Charlie. If you are really that thirsty, there is water available on the other side of the post for $4 an ounce.

3. The other end of the conveyor belt is not a dressing room. Just because you had to strip nekkid to make it through does not mean you should stand there, tucking your shirt in and looping your belt through ALL the holes (see #1)... That is what your gate assignment is for... you are there 5 hours early, fix yourself up elsewhere, some of us are barely going to make our flights.

4. Believe it or not, you don't have to be the first one on line for boarding. We have assigned seats and they aren't going to suddenly cut the line off after 3 people and kick the rest of us out. So you see, pushing me out of the way to get in line does not mean that you will make it on the plane and I will not.

5. Panicking when you hear them drilling on the side of the plan just prior to take off will do you no good. Remember, this is NWA and the planes are in constant need of repair... your questioning if the whole plane is intact is ridiculous, clearly isn't not or you wouldn't have gotten that bargain fare... and by the way, that's the luggage compartment you hear them closing just prior to take off, so when landing and you hear them "drilling" again, don't exclaim "Oh my god there's that noise again!"

So there are my rules. Commit them to memory, I don't allow second takes, the first offense renders a pink backpack upside the head.

Happy travels!